ALL SCI-FI

[Tom]

2-Headed Shark Attack

1. Making a gaffe which is NOT a gaffe is not worth a laugh when your propeller is involved.

2. Sharks eat because they are annoyed.

3. A forty foot-long shark can hide in four feet of water.

4. Sharks are not afraid of a crucifix.

5. Black women do not believe in pronouns.

6. Sharks are attracted to cell phones.

7. The average college student believes that a shirt soaked with seawater can be set on fire with a lighter.

20 Million Miles To Earth

1. Inside the Pentagon, models of the solar system double as fire alarms.

2. Gelcaps were originally developed to transport biological specimens.

3. Do not squeeze anyone named Sharman; it might kill them.

4. Motor homes are not common in Italy.

5. The best way to poke something, that does not like to be poked, is with a wooden pole.

6. Italian police squads are equipped with flamethrowers. (Probably for "crowd control.")

7. There are three responses to danger: fight, flight, and feed.

8. Rampaging creatures from Venus are an archeologist's worst nightmare.

Howard The Duck

1. Angry bald men with baseball bats are Nature's way of saying that prices are too high.

2. Earth has a vagina, and at the bottom of that vagina is Cleveland.

3. Falling stars are actually hapless waterfowl burning up as they reenter the atmosphere.

4. The universal language is...beer.

5. Punk fashion was just a cover for transvestitism.

6. Ducks are really good at Mercy.

7. Watching "Late Night with David Letterman" is considered foreplay.

8. Hallucinations involving talking flightless waterfowl are what finally got Robert Downey Jr. off of drugs (well, for a little while).

9. A 50/50 blend of cotton and polyester can survive direct exposure to an atomic furnace.

10. Becoming a Dark Overlord of the Universe requires a valid CDL.

Maximum Overdrive

1. Watermelon has a lower frictional coefficient than a banana peel.

2. Being electrocuted to death will give you the hiccups
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3. Suburbia is filled with more instruments of human suffering than the Spanish Inquisition ever thought possible.

4. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Mack Truck will crush your ribcage.

5. Whoever said that the pen was mightier than the sword was never on the wrong end of a machinegun.

6. Military vehicles know Morse code.

7. Ice cream is extremely flammable.

8. Big rigs can operate in stealth mode.

Wing Commander

1. Critical self-destruct mechanisms should have backups.

2. There is a pulsar, black hole, quasar (that would be a surprise), or similar gravity distortion very close to Earth.

3. Speeding near a black hole is a big no-no!

4. How to win friends and influence people: scotch.

5. Command and control ships are used as picket craft for fleets.

6. Concussion waves only spread out on a horizontal axis.
7. Jumping into an area controlled by the enemy fleet should be carefully planned.

8. When you need one, a medic is nowhere to be found. We do suggest calling for the Navy equivalent, a corpsman, when aboard ship. That usually works better.

Doom

1. The Marines will eventually do away with the Armory and just keep everything in a transport version of the RAH-66 Comanche helicopter.

2. Mars is a couple million light-years from the nearest French bistro.

3. Twist not your friends' tongues; American nicknames are pure simplicity.

4. Humanity is one chromosome short of a full deck.
5. The volume of sewage and graywater produced by eight scientists is mind shattering.

6. French kissing can be fatal.

7. Bulletproof glass is also, as might be expected, headbutt proof.

8. The only difference between a 15" computer monitor and a flail is the maximum effective range.

9. Marines are filled with tomato paste.

10. The bigger they are the more of a mess they make when they step on an antipersonnel mine.

11. Being punched by a guardrail sucks.

At The Earth's Core

1. Some of the worst offenses against humanity were committed by Victorian fashion designers.

2. The center of the Earth is a solid block of ice.

3. Light in underground caverns is provided by lava flowing across the ceiling, held in place by centrifugal force. (Hey, you try explaining it.)

4. Rhinoceroses were made with four legs for a reason.

5. Prehistoric humans did not have surnames, but everyone received a descriptive phrase attachment.

6. Having excitable pig-men around is bad, but it is worse when they have whips and spears.

7. Reeds can be quickly converted into arrows and are capable of killing large animals.

8. Big guys carry big maces.

9. Explorers always pack an extra set of fine clothes for joyous departures.

Feast

1. Never play pool against someone who is wet or greasy.

2. It is possible to miss with a double-barrel shotgun at close range.

3. Foosball tables make handy barricades.

4. The human eyeball is anchored to the skull by two feet of tendon.
5. Remember, there is a reason nobody ever tries the old "foot in the door" trick with their genitals.

6. When all else fails, use duct tape and scissors.

7. Never lay on the floor, even if the creatures are not huge worms.

8. All-night bars should be constructed of rebar-reinforced concrete, with steel shutters, redundant communications equipment, backup power, and extensive medical supplies. Patrons should BYOSG (bring your own shotgun).

Saturn 3

1. In the future, there will be a need for building-sized inkjet printers.

2. Exposure to vacuum instantly turns a person into a brittle, frozen chunk of meat.

3. Sometimes, believe it or not, it is impossible to concentrate on hydroponics.

4. The best sleeping pills are blue in colo
r.
5. Pickup lines need to avoid the imperative tense.

6. Globes can also be used as beach balls.

7. Robots should only use GFCI protected outlets to recharge.
8. A perm is highly recommended for any woman in zero gravity.

Evil Dead 2

1. Sex isn't interesting enough to put down a book bound in human skin.

2. Tape recordings can summon evil spirits.

3. Evil spirits make sounds vaguely akin to a distorted motorcycle engine.

4. Watching your rotting, decapitated girlfriend perform erotic dance is NASTY.

5. Cutting off your possessed hand with a chainsaw is pretty messy. Plus then it's free to wander around, drop it in a garbage disposal or something.

6. Duck tape is underutilized for first aid.

7. Demonic hands have to look out for rat traps.

8. Evil spirits like to eat hair, explains a good deal about haunted castles in Europe huh?

9. The human body contains about twelve gallons of blood.
10. Cheap jewelery repels demons.

11. Never tell the man holding a double barrel shotgun, "I'll swallow your soul!"

12. When opening a space/time vortex you need to know beforehand how to close it.

So, what Have YOU learned?

[Bud Brewster]

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Good Lord, now I'm eager to see all these movies so I can obverse the story elements which inspired those funny comments!
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Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)