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MetroPolly Space Ranger
Joined: 29 Nov 2015 Posts: 188 Location: Oakland,CA
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 3:39 pm Post subject: trick or treat |
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Hey all. Thought for Halloween, I would give you a little nibble of something I've been fiddling with for a couple months. It's not scifi, per se, but I thought you may like the premise.
The moon rose between a cleft in the hills, and as it struck the stone, the medallion began to glow. He smiled. It got brighter and brighter, then suddenly it shot out a beam of light that struck Scott and threw him down a distance away.
“Well, that looks like it's over!” Thought Albie and ran to him, cradling his head.”Scott? Can you hear me? Scott, are you okay?”? Scott's eyes sprung open, and a smile spread over his face. “Okay? I feel... Incredible.”
He struggled to a sitting position and began frantically to take off his shoes. Albie took his shoulder.
“Maybe you should lie back; you hit the ground pretty hard and-”
“NO!, no! It's working; I can feel it. This is it! Albie, you better get back!”
“But,Scott-”
“GET BACK!!!” He began trembling. “It's working, it's working...” He started laughing again.
“Scott, what the hell is-” Albie's voice trailed off into a squeak. For a second it looked like Scott was doing some bizarre kind of stretching exercise, except the stretching didn't stop.
Albie scrambled back and tried to look away. His mind couldn't process what he was seeing. He closed his eyes, but he could hear everything, and had a feeling he would always hear it; the clothes ripping apart at the seams, and Scott's laughing getting louder.. and louder..... |
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Bud Brewster Galactic Fleet Admiral (site admin)
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Joined: 14 Dec 2013 Posts: 17160 Location: North Carolina
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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Polly, speaking as a published author, your work would be easier and more enjoyable to read if you wouldn't crowd all the text together the way you've been doing!
I re-formated your previous story and hoped you'd realize the mistake you were making. It's hard to tell whose speaking if you don't separate the dialog by each speaker with two line breaks.
The line breaks tell the reader that someone else is about to speak. That's what writers have been doing since Shakespeare wrote his plays.
The text above would look MUCH better like this!
_______________________________
The moon rose between a cleft in the hills, and as it struck the stone, the medallion began to glow. He smiled. It got brighter and brighter, then suddenly it shot out a beam of light that struck Scott and threw him down a distance away.
“Well, that looks like it's over!” Thought Albie and ran to him, cradling his head. “Scott? Can you hear me? Scott, are you okay?”
Scott's eyes sprung open, and a smile spread over his face. “Okay? I feel... Incredible.” He struggled to a sitting position and began frantically to take off his shoes.
Albie took his shoulder. “Maybe you should lie back; you hit the ground pretty hard and — “
“NO!, no! It's working; I can feel it. This is it! Albie, you better get back!”
“But, Scott - “
“GET BACK!!!” He began trembling. “It's working, it's working...” He started laughing again.
“Scott, what the hell is - “ Albie's voice trailed off into a squeak. For a second it looked like Scott was doing some bizarre kind of stretching exercise, except the stretching didn't stop. Albie scrambled back and tried to look away. His mind couldn't process what he was seeing. He closed his eyes, but he could hear everything, and had a feeling he would always hear it; the clothes ripping apart at the seams, and Scott's laughing getting louder.. and louder..... _________________ ____________
Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)
Last edited by Bud Brewster on Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:19 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Gord Green Galactic Ambassador
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Joined: 06 Oct 2014 Posts: 2948 Location: Buffalo, NY
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Well, it feels like walking into a movie after it's started. It has good possibilities, so take Bud's notes to heart.
The beginning is a bit clumsy and unclear. How about instead of this;
The moon rose between a cleft in the hills, and as it struck the stone, the medallion began to glow. He smiled. It got brighter and brighter, then suddenly it shot out a beam of light that struck Scott and threw him down a distance away.
It read:
As the moon rose between a cleft in the hills it struck the stone encasing the medallion. It began to glow.
Scott smiled as it grew brighter and brighter.
Suddenly a beam of light shot out striking Scott and throwing him down a distance away.
Basicly the same words, but a bit clearer in what is happening to who. Keep it up! |
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Bud Brewster Galactic Fleet Admiral (site admin)
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Joined: 14 Dec 2013 Posts: 17160 Location: North Carolina
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:53 am Post subject: |
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Gord Green wrote: | As the moon rose between a cleft in the hills it struck the stone encasing the medallion. It began to glow.
Scott smiled as it grew brighter and brighter.
Suddenly a beam of light shot out striking Scott and throwing him down a distance away. |
I'm puzzled, Gord. Why are there line breaks after "glow" and "brighter"? If you meant to separate the text into three paragraphs, you need to use two line breaks, because ASF doesn't let us use tab indents.
Is this what you meant to post?
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As the moon rose between a cleft in the hills it struck the stone encasing the medallion. It began to glow.
Scott smiled as it grew brighter and brighter.
Suddenly a beam of light shot out striking Scott and throwing him down a distance away. _________________ ____________
Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958) |
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Gord Green Galactic Ambassador
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Joined: 06 Oct 2014 Posts: 2948 Location: Buffalo, NY
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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Yes Bud. Separating the three actions into three "beats" of time.
I was using Polly's original model as an example. |
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Bud Brewster Galactic Fleet Admiral (site admin)
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Joined: 14 Dec 2013 Posts: 17160 Location: North Carolina
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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________________________________
Ah-ha. That's what I thought.
It's frustrating the way All Sci-Fi doesn't allow tabs to indicate paragraphs. When I post my novels and short stories on ASF, I have to add an extra line break for every paragraph to keep all the text from being bunched up into an unreadable mess!
Paragraphs are wonderful. They tell the reader when a new idea is being introduced, or a different character is about to speak, or (in the case of a short paragraph containing only on brief sentence) that the author is emphasizing a point.
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Captain Kirk ordered Sulu to divert all the ship's power to the shields, even though he knew it wouldn't be enough. If Scotty didn't restore the warp drive in the next twenty seconds, the Klingons would open fire and reduce the Enterprise to drifting dust!
And Kirk was not going to let that happen . . .
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The pacing of well-written text should be like a melody played with words. The text should almost read like the lyrics of a song. The paragraphs establish a rhythm for the reader, and by doing so the paragraphs prevent the narrative from droning on and on, unbroken and uninteresting, like a dial tone that drills into your head.
Whenever I write a novel, a short story, or a post on All Sci-Fi, I tinker with the wording over and over again. But I also pay close attention to where the paragraphs break. Sometimes two paragraphs are better when they're combined.
And, as you pointed out, sometimes one paragraph needs to be split up. ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ ____________
Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)
Last edited by Bud Brewster on Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:45 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Gord Green Galactic Ambassador
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Joined: 06 Oct 2014 Posts: 2948 Location: Buffalo, NY
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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And that, Sir, is how a writer develops "style".
Sometimes the best prose reads almost like poetry.
Look at the writings of Ray Bradbury and H.P. Lovecraft and listen to the meter of the words. You can feel it more if you read it aloud and feel the word-smithing driving the narratives.
Polly has great ideas, and style takes time to develop. |
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Bud Brewster Galactic Fleet Admiral (site admin)
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Joined: 14 Dec 2013 Posts: 17160 Location: North Carolina
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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_________________________________________
Precisely! I wrote the first draft of The Hero Experience in 1980 — handwritten, on yellow legal pads. In the years since then and the time when I finally published it in 2013, I revised and edited and improved it as my style evolved and improved.
The story remained mostly the same, but the final version was written much better than the original. However, one of few portions that remained essentially the same was the opening of chapter 3. It served as an example of what I could do when I was writing at my best.
I had to work for several decades to bring the rest of the manuscript up to this level of quality, a scene in which the main character (17 year old Brad Jones, who relates the tale in first person), is waking up on a Saturday morning, the first day of Summer vacation before his senior year of high school.
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Chapter 3
Awareness grew like a fanned coal in the remnants of a dying fire.
I oughta' be a writer.
I awoke from sleep just enough to know I was awakening from sleep — then I went back to sleep. A dream formed out of bits and pieces of old memories and useless information. The result was profound nonsense. Superman owed me money. My mother scolded me for painting the front lawn the wrong color. One of the neighbors discovered that asphalt was edible, so everybody started eating the road.
Finally reality made another bid for my attention and won. I became aware of a very interesting fact. It was a Saturday morning at the beginning of summer vacation. I opened my eyes and saw sunlight that looked the way sunlight must have looked on the first day God invented it, back when it was still brand new. The sky was a perfect shade of sky blue. Life was fine.
Too much beauty can fry the eyeballs, so I closed mine to prevent permanent damage. I cranked up my imagination, which seemed to be running nice and smooth this morning. I became Barry Allen, alias The Flash, the Fastest Man Alive. What a lovely day for a nice supersonic stroll around the world. Decked out in my skintight red costume, I rocketed across the countryside, carefully dodging the trees, lest I put my nose through an oak and anger the forest rangers. Over hill and dale I streaked, a crimson blur, humming a tune by Duane Eddy.
When I reached the coast of California I just headed straight out over the Pacific without slowing a bit. The trick is to keep your feet moving really fast and skip across the water like a flat pebble. Splosh, splosh, splosh. Next stop, the Hawaiian Islands.
"Brad, are you up yet"?
It was my mother's voice, chasing me across the blue waters of the Pacific and somehow defying the speed of sound. Please, no distractions while I'm sea-hopping. Splosh, splosh, splosh.
"Brad, breakfast is almost ready."
Don't listen. Concentrate. Hold that mental image. It's all about momentum and inertia and several other scientific concepts too technical to explain this early in the morning. Splosh, splosh, splosh . . .
"Brad! Get up now or I'll call your father!"
That did it. Flash might be faster than the speed of sound, but he couldn't outrun my father. I opened my eyes and Flash sank beneath the waves, fish food in a scarlet leotard, a superhero out of his element and in over his head. The world would mourn his demise.
"Getting up now, Mom." _________________ ____________
Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)
Last edited by Bud Brewster on Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total |
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MetroPolly Space Ranger
Joined: 29 Nov 2015 Posts: 188 Location: Oakland,CA
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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boy, I offer a nibble and you guys wanna add a ton of condiments. My format is exactly the same as my Egyptian stuff, I think the site crowds it.
As for it being like "walking into a movie", well, it is from the middle of the dang story, what did you expect?
So, if you're done reformatting and re editing...
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF IT? |
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Gord Green Galactic Ambassador
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Joined: 06 Oct 2014 Posts: 2948 Location: Buffalo, NY
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:01 pm Post subject: |
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Well, actually Polly, it being the middle of the story it's hard to comment on the content.
Is he turning into the Hulk? The Devil? A giant?
What is this medallion? A magic amulet? An interstellar alien artifact? A mystical ancient do-hickey? Where did they get it? From an ancient tomb? A crashed spaceship? A genie?
And who is this Scott and Albie? Friends? Brothers? Arch enemies? What is their relationship and why does it matter? Why are they on this hill in the first place?
Clarity of context is important to offer any criticism regarding it. Therefore all we can really do is look at the style of the storytelling. Format is really of little relevance to that.
Therefore that is where Bud and I focused our comments.
Regarding the content, it's promising , but just a tease of what is it's potential. Expand it and let us see where it goes. |
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MetroPolly Space Ranger
Joined: 29 Nov 2015 Posts: 188 Location: Oakland,CA
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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there. That's what I wanted to know. Thanks gord. Now, then I'll admit that maybe I gave too little. To be honest, I thought you guys would catch onto the premise.
Ok, if you need a little more meat on the bone, all you had to do is ask.
I might have to post it in a separate thread. Stay tuned and check for "Giants Of Thessaloniki" (working title) |
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