ALL SCI-FI

[Bud Brewster]

HOW TO NOT REMAKE OF A POPULAR MOVIE

by Bud Brewster
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First, take a popular, well-made adventure movie like Romancing the Stone — which is fine just the way it is — and totally ignore everything about it which made it great.

Then you make sure you hire screenwriters who have absolutely no idea how to pace a story, write witty dialog, create interesting characters, and insure that the movie doesn’t have moments so ridiculous that the audience rolls their eyes and wonder why the hell they wasted their money on such a piece of crap.

The inept screenwriters will drastically change the essential elements of the original, thus creating the worst imaginable variation of a successful movie.

Here a few examples how NOT to create a remake of Romancing the Stone.

~ Start by changing the shy and lonely author of romance novels, played by Kathline Turner — who looked and dressed like an elementary school teacher — into Sandra Bullock, with an obvious face lift and a pair of Botox-inflated lips!

~ Next, dress Miss Bullock in a ridiculous, skin-tight, one-piece, purple outfit with sparkling sequins. Then have her appear as a guest on a talk show to promote here newest romance novel. But turn the whole scene into one big joke that introduces the macho male model who posed for the cover art of male lead in Sandra’s novels.

~ The talk show audience is composed of fat-assed, middle-aged women who scream for the guy to take his shirt off. Bare in mind that this clown is supposed to be the “Jack Colter” character from the original movie!

~ Then completely change that wonderful scene from Romancing the Stone in which the shy lady author is rescued by a bold hero from a ruthless drug smuggler in the South American jungle, while she's on a mission to save her kidnapped sister.

~ Instead of this, make it a hokey series of comedic scenes, like when Sandra Bullock has to pick leeches off the ass of her comic relief sidekick after they wade across a jungle stream.

~ Change the original movie's villain from a sadistic drug lord who wants to get a map which shows the location of a priceless emerald. Instead, make it a silly rich young collector (played by Danial Radcliff of Harry Potter fame) who thinks the fabled "Crown of Fire" is real, a concept which author Sandra Bullock described in her romance novels.

~ Change the scene inside the derelict aircraft which the couple finds in the jungle — during which the ballsy Michal Douglas character encourages the shy, virginal Kathleen Turner character to break out of her shell and embrace her passion. Instead of that scene, substitute a silly fire-side jungle scene in which Sandra Bullock tries to seduce the clueless comic relief . . . and fails.

~ Finally, fill up this misguided movie with pointless scenes which are apparently designed to give the audience plenty chances to go to the snack bar . . . or visit the restroom . . . or chheck their phones for email — without missing a single important plot point in this silly excuse for an adventure movie!
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Gentlemen, this lame attempt at a remake is riddled with embarrassingly bad jokes amidst a disgracefully bad plot.

And yet, for some reason the critics didn't roast it in their reviews — the way they did with Sandra Bullicks' far superior movie, Miss Congeniality II, which I recently watched and thoroughly enjoyed!

Please, take my advice, folks. Do NOT watch this movie! It's a major embarrassment for the studio that release it, despite the box off returns and the critic's reviews.
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Is there no man on Earth who has the wisdom and innocence of a child?
~ The Space Children (1958)