ALL SCI-FI

Bud Brewster

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Each year I make my famous Crispy Potato Salad for Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Here's the secret recipe that will have your family demanding that you invite me to your house next year! Very Happy

You should be aware that the Mission Statement of this delectable dinning delight is simply this:

It's potato SALAD, right? So, who died and left the damn potatoes in charge? Confused

That's right, folks, this is food with an attitude and a purpose, It's got a chip on it's shoulder and it's spoiling for a fight! Shocked

With that stirring call to arms ringing in our ears, let's rethink traditional potato salad and figure out ways to make it the star of the Thanksgiving feast! With enough culinary showmanship, I think we can steal the spotlight from Mr. Tom Turkey and put the name Crispy Potato Salad at the top of the marquee!

The secret to any gourmet creation is to involve all the senses. So, my Crispy Potato Salad can't just taste good. No sir, it's got to dazzle the eyes, tickle the tongue — and yes, it even makes funny little noises when eaten, so that your dinner guests will blush and giggle and apologize for being such voracious pigs while they gobble it down.

And just how do we accomplish this seemingly impossible feat?

Simple. Fresh veggies. And lots of 'em, too. So many vegetables that the poor potatoes start feeling like nerdy kids from the Chess Club at a varsity football game. We're gonna outnumber the potatoes, surround them, and demand their surrender!

Like I said before, it's a potato SALAD, dammit! It should, by God, act like a salad — and not like a bowl of mashed potatoes that somebody forgot to mash! Rolling Eyes

So, it's time to assemble the troops and prepare for battle, as pictured below for this combat training exercise.

The mug of beer is optional.

(On second thought, no it isn't.)

Here's the roster of battle-ready vegetables and other fresh ingredients we'll use in the assault.

Mayonaise — Buy a name brand. Do not use generic brands that probably aren't made in America. Support the Red, White, and Blue!

Mustard — It needs to be good 'n yellow, to give your potato salad a bright and sunny appearance. Mustard is the morale officer of this unit. I recommend French's, because they supported the Colonies in the Revolutionary War.

Hard Boiled Eggs — These are the sergeants of your gourmet army. They don't call 'em "hard boiled" for nothin'. And trust me, you can't have too many. If there's one food that takes no crap from potatoes, it's eggs!

Sweet Pickle Relish — Don't be fooled by the name. These boys have a real cocky attitude.

Bell Pepper — Do not skimp on these. They come in three colors — green, red, and yellow. Buy several of all three. They're the primary colors of your cooking pallet (metaphorically speaking), and you want your dinner guests to oow-and-ah with delight when they see the rainbow you've created on Thanksgiving Day.

Onions — The roughnecks of the squad. The Rambo of vegetables. Get the Vidalia brand if at all possible — the Marines of the onion world. Their motto is Semper Vidalis. Loosely translated it means, "Always Flavorful".

And finally —

Celery! Yep, you read it right. The wildcard, the maverick, the sucker punch your taste buds didn't see coming. Shocked

This modest vegetable is the ringer, the secret weapon, the sneak attack on your teeth that detonates like a grenade in your mouth!

There's a reason why Hollywood snaps celery to create the sound of broken bones. Shocked

These humble stalks will stand tall and be counted when your dinner guests' dentures attack, and those chompers will get a real surprise when they bite down and hear a loud CRUNCH explode across the tongue and rattle the uvula!

This is why I call my masterpiece Crispy Potato Salad! Cool

It doesn't just mush around in your mouth and slid down your throat, meek and mild like bleating sheep — no sir! It rips around from cheek to cheek like a raging lion, barking out those crackling noises which can't be denied by the startled people at the table who were hoping nobody noticed how much they were eating and how fast they were eating it!

Okay, so once your troops are in tight formation as shown below, it's time for them board the transport vehicle and ship out.

Use the following steps to deploy your fighting forces for maximum effect.

Step 1: Combine the boiled potatoe cubes and the mayonnaise until the right consistence is reached.

Step 2: Stir in the mustard until the color is not quite as bright as a canary. Then add a little more.

Step 3: Pile on your colorful veggies until the potatoes can barely be seen. Smother 'em with crisp, fresh vegetables while ignoring the potatoes screams for mercy. It you feel faint hearted and begin to loose your nerve, think of the Irish potato famine of 1845. Give no quarter to those heartless spuds!

Step 4: Pour on enough pickle relish to make the bowl look like a Coney Island hot dog, then stir it into the mix. If you can still see waaaay too much relish after you've mixed it all up . . . that means you did it right.

Step 5: Sprinkle the slices of boiled eggs across the top and then stir them in. (How much? Too much, of course!) We're not kiddin' around here, folks.

Step 6: Add the ammunition: just enough salt, a bit more pepper, too much onion powder, and a shocking amount of garlic powder — just in case some of your relatives are secretly vampires and you've always wanted to kill 'em off on a national holiday with lots of witnesses! Shocked

The final result should look like this.

If it doesn't, start over!

The fate of Thanksgiving depends on you, so don't let your family down! Remember to allow plenty of time to do all the work needed for this important task. It takes about twelve hours, so get started now and you'll be finished by first light tomorrow.

Now, if you'll forgive me, I must go to the grocery store and draft fresh recruits for the War on Hunger And so do you, my friends! Vaya con Dios . . .

Dismissed!